Something I have tried to do with this blog has been to not give very much advice. I don't know why so many people out there try to tell others how to live their life. I don't have things all figured out in my life, not even close. Because I'm still learning, I try not to tell people how to do life. I won't pretend to be someone that I'm not.
Tonight, however, I am going to do a little bit of rule breaking, but I think it should be fun. For the first 4 months of being married to Ashley, I lived purely amongst females. My wife was a female (and still is..... thank goodness), I have 2 female daughters, our Rhodesian Ridgeback dog is a female, even the bearded dragon that Ashley kept as a classroom pet was a female! (It hit a point where it only made sense to think that Ashley's GMC Yukon, Keurig, and vacuum cleaner were all females).
It was a relief to me when we got a second dog for Christmas. This was a boxer puppy that was about 6 weeks old when we got him. HIM! My only condition in getting this new dog was that it was a male. I didn't even care that he would have to eventually get neutered, I had another male in the house and that was all that I needed. We named him Triton and he has kept us busy ever since we got him.
Even though Triton has given me some sense of manliness in groups again, I am outnumbered and I probably always will be. In light of that, I have had to learn to live a some special rules in my house. These rules make things easier for everyone in the house. I call them "Guidelines for Harmonious Living Amongst Females." Some of these you might find funny, some you might find true, but I promise you that all of these are true in the Lankford household.
1. Always leave the toilet seat down. Pretty much every married man should know what I'm talking about. Any guy who isn't married probably thinks this is garbage/I'm just whipped. Think that if you want but many a time I have been about to fall asleep when I hear a moan or groan coming from the bathroom and then my name shouted due to me leaving the seat in the upright position. I find the best way to avoid it is to just leave the seat down at all times. This will take some practice, but hey, I like target practice.
2. After you have crossed the threshold of your home, sports immediately become obsolete. While this sounds juvenile, it couldn't be more true in my house. This will definitely vary in some households but holds very true in mine. The closest I have come to getting anyone in my family to watching sports with me was when Texas A&M (Ashley's alma mater) played Alabama this past season in football. I got Ashley to "watch" the game with me while she was cooking dinner. I get asked by Audrey why I like basketball at least once a month (she's asking a former basketball coach this question...).
3. Prepare for tears. Lots and lots of tears. I'm not saying it's unmanly to cry. I have definitely shed my share tears over time, but those times are few and far between. I have an 11 year old and 6 year old daughter and they have come up with more reasons to cry than I can count. Ex: the food is too hot, they're too hot, they're too cold, a dog from a book one of them was reading died, bad grades, being caught misbehaving, losing a game, misplacing the game they just lost playing, food tastes bad, mosquito bites, blood (even if it's not their own), thunderstorms, and finally, of course, you're good old fashioned "I just feel like crying okay?!"
4. Pink and Purple are your new favorite colors Not optional
5. A carseat and leftover food will always be in the backseat of your car I can vaguely remember the days when having a loud stereo was cool. You know what's cool in my book now? A clean backseat, but just like how having those Bose speakers was an unrealistic fantasy, so is thinking that leftover breakfast will ever disappear from from the floorboard, usually because it has become one with the carpet.
6. Intimate moments with the wife will almost always be interrupted by the girls. It's like an uncanny phenomenon.....
7. Laundry is a bottomless pit It's unbelievable. It's like once I'm done folding the last load, one of the girls brings their load from the past week which I'm pretty sure I just finished washing and folding. Sometimes I'm convinced they're just punking me.
8. When chicken nuggets are on the menu, your restaurant choices are unlimited When chicken nuggets aren't on the menu, it's gonna be a long and miserable meal regardless of how good the food and service might be. I recommend you pick your battles. This is a battle that I lose around 90% of the time.
9. Disney movies never get old What's that Addy? You want to watch Frozen again for the 13th time and want to sing through all of the songs with the actors for the 7th time? Great. I happen to hate watching Hoosiers, Gladiator, and Anchorman. I'd much rather memorize Ana's lines. What's that? Godzilla in 3D is in theaters? No way Jose. I'm sticking with Maleficent..... Again.
10. Everything you do during the day that your daughters don't actually see is obsolete and/or irrelevant This is a conversation that actually took place between me and Addison a couple of weeks ago after I had picked her up from school:
Me: Addy, how was school today?
Addy: It was good! I tell you every day! It's always good!.... uggghhhhh
Me: Addison! You will not talk to me that way. You know, I ask about your day every single day when I pick you up from school and you never ask me about how my day went.... why is that?
Addy: That's because I don't care.....
Me: What? You don't care? Why not?
Addy: Because your day is probably boring.
Can't make this stuff up. I was going to punish her, but then I thought "What for?" I had asked her a question and she gave me her honest answer. I can't punish her for that. That also leads me to my next guideline.
11. Prepare for brutal honesty I think there's something in all of us that wonders what some of our faults are. Once you have kids, you stop wondering. This is a conversation that actually took place between Audrey and me one morning after I was late dropping Addison off at school:
Me: Man, Audrey I am really struggling at this dad thing right now.
Audrey: Yea...... well...... at least you're trying.
12. Looking good is always a big deal Even pajamas need to match, which makes no sense to me considering only family will see them. Everything must color coordinate and be approved by all females in the house that are human. I haven't worn one of my favorite pairs of shoes in over 9 months because they are unanimously hated by Ashley, Audrey, and Addison. When it's 3 vs 1, you can't win.
and finally....
13. Think like a woman You tend to discover that you can get a along with everyone a lot easier when you try to think like them. Think like a woman, but don't ever act like one. I have discovered that I am idolized in my house for being a man if nothing else. The girls are my 3 favorite people in the world and while I have learned to adjust my way of living in order for things to be smoother around the house, I have loved every minute of it and wouldn't change that for anything else in this world. I can only imagine that the girls have made plenty of adjustments on my behalf as well, especially Ashley. I think that is what makes us work so well. With all the changes and adjustments we make in life, Christ and each other are the constants in this house and regardless of all the adjustments we have made and ever will make, those constants will never change.
